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Dear CTCS, what gun should I buy?

1911 870 aero ar15 cmmg cz glock hk m&p mossberg precision remington ruger sig spikes

ALRIGHT SNOWFLAKES. Listen up. You're special and unique and your mommy loves you very much and if you just applied yourself I'm sure you'd go real far (as if that's somehow a compliment). But guns are guns and your performance is pretty well independent of the platform you're using, barring extreme differences in quality or your five insurmountable minutes of familiarity with Paw Paw's 1911.

So these are the guns you should buy, and the order in which you should buy them.

(Yeah, I know, general readership; you bought a Mosin first and you learned super good and now you and your sandbags and your concrete table can always hit the clay pigeons you set on the ground at a distance that's actually 73 yards, but what the hell, call it 100 for the internet. I'm not writing for you, and newbie here should make purchases he'll use to learn things instead of following in your illustrious footsteps.)

FIRST GUN: First we're going to put on our big boy pants and go to the local Wal-Mart and get us a Ruger 10/22. There's nothing wrong with most other .22 rifles, sure. Your grandpa wanted you to learn on a bolt action so you'd "take your time and value each shot." Your grandpa has no idea what he's talking about. 10/22. Tech sights. USGI sling.  No more fucking questions until you do that. Also, LGS is peopled by dispassionate wage slaves who won't try to upsell you to some other bullshit you neither want nor need. If you go to a gun store, you're gonna walk out with some random AR or something, because you're too dumb to do your research beforehand and are asking strangers of unknown wisdom on the internet what to buy.

You're all ready up and you're super cool and now you want a

HANDGUN: Glock 17/19. No. I don't care that the M&P fits your hand better or that the SR9 is cheaper. Shut the fuck up. You're asking vapid entry-level questions on the internet. Get the Glock. Not a 1911, not my beloved CZ-75, not a SIG, not an overpriced goddamn HK that's gonna turn you into Tom Cruise from Collateral. Glock 17/19.

The communist zombie 1% martian UN muslim Obama Axe body spray troops are invading and you need a

RIFLE: Spike's Tactical/CMMG/AeroPrecision AR-15. Play fucking legos with it. Go nuts. Throw red dots and lasers and a vertical goddamn frontpenis on there. It'll make you tacticooler and you wouldn't listen to my real advice (which is to leave it bone-stock and add accessories as necessary to address real shortcomings you experience on the range rather than perceived problems invented by marketers) anyway.

Yeah, but for home defense you want to make badguy shit his pants in the universal language and so you need a

SHOTGUN: Remington 870/Mossberg 590. Mossberg 500s are fine but those listed on their web site are either all tacticool or designed for Elmer Fudd to shoot gooses and shit. God damn. Just spend some reasonable fucking money on a black-furniture-having shotgun that's short enough for your hallway, dipshit. Oh, and if there's a pistol grip on there, I will laugh at you as soon as you leave.

Now take some blurry pictures of your special and exciting new "family," because I care a whole goddamn lot about your ego investment purchases and wish to validate you as a human being via that little orange arrow and I think it's just darling when you refer to guns as if they're people.

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